Some more interesting policies
The campaign managed to get duller than ever today - OK, so it was a Bank Holiday and quite sunny so most of us were probably quite grateful for the good weather (showers aside) and the chance to get away from those pesky canvassers (of whom there haven't been many round here in any case.) The 87th British soldier killed in Iraq dominated the headlines today, but I did find a scrap of good humour in a BBC news item on unusual election pledges by minor parties. Some of these small parties are really pretty good - for example the guy from the Church of the Militant Elvis whose plan is to go to the Antarctic and shout at the icebergs to stop melting - "it's more than Bush and Blair are doing". But Bush would probably send Donald Rumsfeld to do it instead.
Meanwhile, the Dungeons, Death and Taxes party offers a glimpse of what the Tory - or perhaps the New New Labour - manifesto on law and order might look like in 2020 or so. Hanging reintroduced 'but only for minor offences such as writing graffiti and dropping litter'. "Murderers and those guilty of improper txt msg abbreviations will be disembowelled. Occupation and annexation of France, and tax rates of 90% (probably popular with professional economists as long as it's a 'flat tax').
The Millennium Bean Party, standing in Cardiff Central, promises a knighthood for 1970s Welsh rugby ace Gareth Edwards - I can't believe the guy hasn't been knighted already. He would have been if he were English.
And Telepathic Partnership, standing in Wokingham, are planning to attempt to make the first recorded contact with an extraterrestrial intelligence by saying 'hello' to sitting MP John Redwood at the count. (Sadly this is not official party policy yet, but surely it would boost their vote by at least 700%. )
For my part I'm currently devising a manifesto for my friend Juniper Sandhurst who is hoping to stand in Oxford West (or wherever he's living by then) in the 2009(?) election. I've lobbied very hard for his pitch to the electorate to contain blatant concessions to sectional interests such as subsidies for micro-brewers and tranquiliser dart guns (or worse) to be fitted on the outside of trains to try to catch the bastards who are chucking bricks at the evening commuter trains as they chug past Witham, Essex. He'll also have his favourite policies in, such as transferable tax allowances, which I have severe reservations about. But overall it promises to be a potent package and it should be relatively easy to shake up a complacent and apathetic political scene, rather like punk managed to do to the music scene in 1976. I have a feeling that 2009 will be the Year Of The Calm Lunatic, and Juniper will be on his way to Westminster - whether it be as an MP or the latest casualty on the Jubilee Line Extension pub crawl (latest figures on disappearances on the line: 47% Bermondsey, 30% Canning Town, 22% West Ham and 1 person abducted by aliens at Canary Wharf).
Meanwhile, the Dungeons, Death and Taxes party offers a glimpse of what the Tory - or perhaps the New New Labour - manifesto on law and order might look like in 2020 or so. Hanging reintroduced 'but only for minor offences such as writing graffiti and dropping litter'. "Murderers and those guilty of improper txt msg abbreviations will be disembowelled. Occupation and annexation of France, and tax rates of 90% (probably popular with professional economists as long as it's a 'flat tax').
The Millennium Bean Party, standing in Cardiff Central, promises a knighthood for 1970s Welsh rugby ace Gareth Edwards - I can't believe the guy hasn't been knighted already. He would have been if he were English.
And Telepathic Partnership, standing in Wokingham, are planning to attempt to make the first recorded contact with an extraterrestrial intelligence by saying 'hello' to sitting MP John Redwood at the count. (Sadly this is not official party policy yet, but surely it would boost their vote by at least 700%. )
For my part I'm currently devising a manifesto for my friend Juniper Sandhurst who is hoping to stand in Oxford West (or wherever he's living by then) in the 2009(?) election. I've lobbied very hard for his pitch to the electorate to contain blatant concessions to sectional interests such as subsidies for micro-brewers and tranquiliser dart guns (or worse) to be fitted on the outside of trains to try to catch the bastards who are chucking bricks at the evening commuter trains as they chug past Witham, Essex. He'll also have his favourite policies in, such as transferable tax allowances, which I have severe reservations about. But overall it promises to be a potent package and it should be relatively easy to shake up a complacent and apathetic political scene, rather like punk managed to do to the music scene in 1976. I have a feeling that 2009 will be the Year Of The Calm Lunatic, and Juniper will be on his way to Westminster - whether it be as an MP or the latest casualty on the Jubilee Line Extension pub crawl (latest figures on disappearances on the line: 47% Bermondsey, 30% Canning Town, 22% West Ham and 1 person abducted by aliens at Canary Wharf).
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home